I'm Not Okay

Mistress is mad. She's been mad before. Believe me, she's mad a lot of the time. I like her when she's middling mad; not so calm and gentle that she laughs at my naughty, but not so angry that I'm afraid she'll leave. She's that kind of mad today.

 Here's the trouble: I don't know when to stop. Or I do, but I ignore the warning signs and keep on pushing.

 Tonight at dinner I flirted a little with the waiter, and Mistress warned me to stop. Several times. She finally snapped at me in front of the waiter that if I didn't stop flirting, she'd pull me over her knee right then and there. If she would have said it in a joking way, we could have laughed about it and chased the waiter away through our affection. And he probably would have wondered forever if Mistress was serious about the playful threat.

 She was not playful at all. The seriousness of her tone sent a shuddering pall over the table, and the waiter virtually slunk away from the table, and sent the hostess to give us our bill.

 "I cannot tell you how humiliating that was," I hissed at her.

 She looked up at me and I saw the hurt in her eyes for the first time. "I got on your FB page and saw that you have been messaging Brad for the last two months."

 Brad is my most recent ex-boyfriend and I loved him a lot. Mistress had my full permission to be on all my Social Network sites. She has all my passwords to everything. It needs to be fully established with my readership that I do not in any way blame Mistress for snooping. First of all, she does it all the time (although not in the past few months, obviously). Also, she almost never checks her own FB page, so she never saw him commenting on my status, or she would definitely have asked me some questions back when that started. 

 I'm not seeing Brad, but when he connected with me on FB in December, I was so surprised, I let him in. And I should never have reconnected. He was terrible to me. Mistress hates him because he was terrible to me. And the messages from him are definitely incriminating evidence that I flirted shamelessly.

 I tried to apologize, but there was nothing to say. Nothing really. We went home in silence and I walked in dread beside her, expecting some serious discipline when we got home. But that's not what happened. She went into the bedroom and returned with my pillow. She dropped it on the back of the couch, gave me a significant look, and went to bed. I heard the door lock when she went in. The last time I slept in the guest room, it was my room and I wasn't sleeping with my lover. 

 Let me be totally honest now: I'm writing this only with the sincere hope that Mistress reads it and knows I'm sorry. I deleted him from my contacts, and I will never contact him again. And I obviously have some stuff to work out where the excessive flirting is concerned. I don't need you to punish me for me to know that what I did was wrong and to change my behavior. 

Comments

  1. BasMarch 18, 2013 at 5:00 AM

    Wasn't intending to punish you.
    You and Mistress, together are doing a great job at that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This Silly GirlMarch 18, 2013 at 5:38 PM

    Bas,
    Thanks for your comment. We're working it out. And you're right; we ARE punishing each other. But we'll pull through.
    --Pura

    ReplyDelete

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